Dreams
I love my job.
I sell dreams , I help them realize it.
I am alive, and I Know I changed them today.
Thank you GOD.
I love you dearest dearest Mom, ************, and all of you friends.
Without a lot would be different, Hope you all are blessed by the lord a little more.
Afraid
I am drunk.Why? Simple because I wanted to drown my sorrow in alchohol.
I distinctly recollect the saying."Those who try to drown their sorrows in alchohol should know that sorrow has learnt to swim." 'Woody Allen'
I know I cannot fool myself by telling myself I don't love you, if that is what you want me to.The fact remains that I can act out being a friend from 7 AM to 9 PM because my work can keep me occupied,for duty and commitment that i have for my company is at the driver's seat.
After that I have truth staring right into my eyes making me shiver and calling me a liar.It just knows how much you mean to me and how much I love you.
If you think I can just stop loving you, forget it. Dont see that happening, will never for I cannot, absolutely positively negative boss.
I am sad that the best woman I have known just does not love me, does it matter to me?
Yes it does.
Ok boss everything is just fine.
The truth is out there, It's dark outside and I am afraid of the dark.
'What' Is generally a statement not always a question.
I'll never stop loving you, I know I can't , I know I wont,
but you don't want me to love you. Is it a crime that I do and so much
that I could just close my eyes and wish I never wake up without
hearing your voice.
You think you are not worth waiting for then what is my life worth anyway?
I changed all that I was just because I love you.
What is it that I have been all long, nothing, what is it I wanted to be
Nothing. What is it I wanted when I started loving you, I wanted to
achieve, all that I tossed away for freedom.
You don't know what you are worth, how much you mean to me. I don't
see me getting anywhere on my own now, Loving you just awoke all the fight
I had deep in my mind and you tell me I shouldn't wait!
I will wait, cry for you each day, pray for you each day,
kill my heart and my soul a little painfully slow, each day till
God shows me some mercy and takes me away.
He is just jealous that I love you so much more than him. I don't
know why I do.
If you trust God and wish you can make anything happen. But since you
don't want to even try it may be because I failed at being a good human being.
You made me realize how much I can love, how happy I can be and just stopped
short of even trying to think of loving, I love for that too, you showed
me my second purpose in life.
My first was to love you and my second is to lose all I can so I can be an
example to others of what they should not be.
I love you for all that you are and all I am when I am with you.
Since you wan't me out, can we still be friends?
(Provided I am good enough to be accepted as one)
Bye for now.
Hey stick around kid this time I'm strolling through fire.
No direction but straight through what ever comes but still loving you Sheetal.
Questions, a cigarette lighter, And no directions.
My thigh muscle has been paining since yesterday night.I started my travel back home, I reached Mumbra. I looked at Mumbra devi and told her I'm comming for some answers. I climbed the mountain, smoked all through the climb,huffed and crawled when i couldn't walk. I'm always short of breath nowadays due to excessive smoking.I discovered a few things about life.
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Life is short. Life is a gift, Life is an ever lasting change. You live only as long untill you find the answers for your existance.
My existance needed a justification. I wanted an answer. I now have more questions.
I bought two bottles of camphor and headed for the climb.
I questioned myself for the first time in life to why I was doing it.
I had been to Mumbra devi once and I had to halt more than 10 times before I got to the top.
I wished to die, I thought to jump off from the top when I reached there to end my life. I knew, I had my reasons to climb the mountain today. It was love.
I wanted to know how much risk I would take. I know God will save me to royally jack me up the next time as always. I reached the top almost crawling on all fours. I proved to myself I loved this woman.I stood there watchig the idols and told God I had questions and that he has to justify my existance.
Like a distant whisper I understood what God had to say.
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=========================Realizations :================================
The questions that we ask God are not to be asked about. for the answers are within you.
We exist in the world for a reason, If you find the reason you are no longer mystifiedabout life which makes it dull. (never question your own existance)
All you seek to know and procure are illusions that make up a feeble mind, a feeble mind develops questions again.
It is beautiful to realize you have a conciense which makes you realize you are only human.
Never impose what you feel on people for they need to exist in their own plane and if it wasn't for them you wouldn't think about them. ( be happy they are different).
Trust and acknowledge God for all that he has made you.
The lord giveth and the lord taketh away.
( only when you don't deserve it or if it doesn't fit your bill.)
Just love all the people you can for your purpose of life may be to just serve as an example for others even if it is of being a useless one.
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I have to say one thing after all that chat I had with me while I was decending the stairs.
I know I'm in love and no matter how I try to fight the feeling, it is going to exist.I don't deserve to be loved, for that may not be my purpose.
My purpose may be just to love endlessly and joyously till the last drop of my blood burns knowing that I am not loved in return, that will never happen for I know there are just two entities who love me for all i am,
1) God for making me all that I am.
GOD I'm all you want me to be. I 'm nothing you regret.
2) Mom for being there forever.
Mom I'm all I can be. I'm hoping I'm nothing you regret.
Since I never have anything I can offer people, except my support and my life I didn't have anything as an offering at God's place, so I kept what I treasure the most A pen that I carry.
The pen is worth just five bucks in the market but to me it is my heart for I write with it. It is just an extension to my mind.
So God I just gave you something I treasure the most.
I love you GOD, Mom you too and my dearest woman you know I love you too
(don't say a word).
Oh and one more thing God if you ever need anything from me don't ask take it it's yours.
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I need you to in my life to live my life though.
If only you could love me, Just once, Just a thought on those lines should be fine.
I'll just love you all the way anyways. See you around.
I was watching pearl harbour a little while ago.It inspired me to think about something. I'll just write about the way I feel it in relation to someone I love.
War brings us victory. War brings us defeat.
We fight the wars that come up in our lives and like actual battles that are fought with guns
and explosives we too have casualties.War brings us casualties, deaths, destruction, disgrace
and depression. I heard a statement that inspired me to write this in my diary.
"There is nothing stronger than the heart of a volunteer"
My war is love, I am a volunteer and I know I am strong.
I await there at that doorstep where I carry my heart on the palm of my hand,
I await you to accept it. i am happy to be aware that you areaware of this. i have to say that if you are someone who thinks that I am here just like everyone elsethen better let me know at the earliest, so that i can be aware that I have failed to convince you otherwise.
I may appear to be a chicken but trust me I am not. It took quite a lot of courage on my side to accept the fact that I actually have fallen for you. I have never fallen for anybody nor do I expect you to fall for me (although I wish deeply that you do). I am what I am and I want to change that.
You have made me aware of what I need to be, You made me aware that i am alive, you made me realizeI can be human too, after you do all this you tell me that you cannot love me I have to actually wonder why?
If you permit me, may I ask you a question?
If yes, then please answer this in a very straight sharp manner. It won't hurt me,
I'll just love you more for it anyway.
Why can you not love me?
1) I am not worthy enough.
2) I am a psychotic human who has dishonest intentions.
3) I lack the qualities that you expect to see in the one you would love.
4) You are not ready to commit.
If the answer is 1 or 2 there is nothing I can do,
If the answer is 3 then I'll work on it,
If the answer is 4 then remember that I am not asking you to commit anything.
Commitments are arrived upon after you are sure you can keep them.
I can and I have never failed in any.If you are unsure of it that is just as fine and I want to accept you with however you are for I love you just that way (because you are perfect),
but all I want to know is can you accept me as someone who needs to be loved by you?
Are you afraid to even try to love me?
No, mera office wala koi chakkar wakkar nahi hai agar kisi ko pooch-taach karni ho to mujse sampark kare aur mere doston ke dimag ko takleef na de.
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Abrasions of the heart.
The road that winds,
Along the river I've known forever,
When time was joy and sorrow unknown,
A past I've long forgotten.
Those trees seem to touch the breeze,
As it flows through,
Into my face the wind blows calm,
To rekindle the childish joys, long lost.
I ran along these roads once,
Played amongst these joyful greens,
Before I chose to love, like mortals do,
I can't turn back, I already chose.
The sandy road, The green rice fields,
The tender fragrance of the paddy growth,
The moon on this full moon night,
I wish to ask a walk with you.
I seldom say what I feel,
For we seldom disclose all we are,
I open up my heart to say,
But I find you forever unseen.
Tonight again the moon, the river has cast,
The palms swing in the midnight breeze,
I come to rest on the river bank,
To rest, to sleep, to dream of you.
Another day shall soon arise,
When I'll plead my love to you,
And you like forever I know,
Dismiss it as a passing phase.
I ask God to enlighten me,
To change me , to what I need to be,
For acceptance by the one I love,
For my life, For me to be.
To vanish.
A flame leapt ito the night,
Moonless and dark, cold and still,
From a lamp out of oil,
To burn out and darken the night again.
A thought crept into my heart,
A desire to be loved, to be longed for,
From the days of lonliness that I've known,
All my life, all along.
The eyes on my face wept,
For love unparalleled,
From a stranger I knew,
I knew, I chose, Ill lose, not hope though.
The clouds filled up the clear sky,
Outside my bedroom window,
Like a page lost in my old past,
I know the down pour brings joy many.
I'll still wait in the lounge,
Await your arrival day in and out,
From where you forever hide,
Deep in my heart and soul.
I'll forever wait.
After 57 smokes I end up with this crap, God I'm waiting for you to
give me some sense so that i can inspire people. I wish I had a good
command over the poetic sense. I am terrible with poems.
But that is what I have to say and thank you God for what I am as
I can atleast attempt to write poems.
