Journeys on bare feet.
The world seems so small. I took a batch today, boss said it was to invoke a corporate enrollment. My day started beautifully, untill i was caught in a crossfire between things that never involved me. Someone that I know,the only one I have given the liberty to hurt me, make my soul bleed, does just that. I love that someone for I acknowledge it, accept it for I love. No it is not because of what she is! but what she can do, do to me, do to my mind, do to my dignity, my self respect. She is above it all.( and I don't say a word, not because it doesn't hurt but because I know I can love her even after that.)
I really come to a point wherein I know I am someone who can destroy himself just because I want to, I'll do it when needed, but before that there are a few commitments I have to keep and honour. There are times when I feel like killing myself, I've always stopped short of it for just one thing, I remembered the fact that I keep commitments.
If she only knew, ----------------------------------, I don't care if she doesn't, If she wants to know, I'm ready to answer the question. But the best part is that she doesn't want to. Not because she doesn't care about it, but she doesn't realize it. I want to run away from her very very soon, not just her but from all the people I know, for i fear that one day she will understand and when she does, she will know, maybe it will be too late then, life is short i say.
I seem to be growing out, apart, but then why care! I dont......
Alive
Something I am writing half drunk, for i promised that i wouldn't get all drunk.
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Amongst those silver clouds,
I wish to fly touch the gentle rain drops,
I wish to breathe,
I long for the scent of the first showers of the summer.
To catch the first sunset of the winter,
To stretch out my hand, to cover the sun,
In its gentle orange,
I long to be in those sun lit evening walks.
I wish to run bare feet,
on the sands, on some far away beach,
In its yellow and cream,
I long to see the clear blue sea in waves.
I wish to hear the birds call,
To wake me up, like they did when I was a child,
In sweet melodies of morning's arrival,
I long to live, To feel alive again.
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Omnipresent absence.
After quite a long time I wrote on death (Deathwish) .
I think death must be a woman who woud just walk across to me, whisper into my ear how she longed to ask me to walk with her through the roads an evening of winter that is warm, the sun rays showing in yellow streaks thought the leaves of tall trees,she would hold my hand and look into my eyes and tell me "come with me, be mine forever".
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Omnipresent absence.
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I wish to sleep in her arms tonight,
And listen to the wind that blows,
Feel its cold and its eerie songs,
To lie still and hear it all.
To not move even an eyelid,
For I’d miss her eyes that haunt me,
Inviting, seductive and gentle over all,
I know she’ll weave her spell on me.
I lived along knowing she exists,
I called out to her, she doesn’t reply,
She sends me signs of coming towards,
I await her coming.
When she comes I’ll wish to live,
But I know I’ll want to walk with her,
Amongst those woods I strolled long ago,
Smelling the aroma of my childhood gardens.
I miss her more so ever tonight,
For all I know and all I wanted has left me behind,
Sorrow and despair are just words that can’t explain,
What I feel deep in my heart tonight.
I still call her name and hold on to hope,
She’ll come to visit, to hold my hand,
Then I’ll yearn no more, nor shall sigh,
The passing hours of loneliness.
It shall end with her arrival,
Of all the feelings and thoughts,
Love, hatred, pain and joy, she’ll erase,
She’ll reap my soul from this body of mine,
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And smiles to see before i sleep
War brings us a reason to live, a reason to love, a reason to treasure what we cherish the most. To save the ones we love, to protect all that is ours, our dignity, our integrity and our ideology. I am at war, I am out here to prove to myself that I can love as no one else can, and I know I do. For all that she is, for all that she hurts, for all that she thinks, lives, sees, breathes everything about her.
Before I started this war with myself I was told what I was doing was stupidity, all the best fighters have heard that and none of them were let down, they fought, some won some lost, I stand, I stand alone, lost in thoughts, to tell her I need her to make me feel alive, to know, to understand, to know how, how much I can be at extremes.
If I get my time back I’ll once again wait as I have to come back right where I am, for I need to, not because she is the only woman I know, but she is the only one I can see myself smiling to, not a very easy thing for me, for I am someone who has a lost childhood, someone who was a miserable child who knew all the world had, the same kid who watched porno flicks when he was seven and a half, but I always knew I am what I am for a reason, I changed me, I changed all I am.
This battle is between me and myself, the one who is so much like me, someone who never believed in love, I do now for I took the time. I don’t know what life has to offer, but I know all those friends who are mine, (all those who have left a knife in my heart as well) have to just smile for I know their happiness means more to me than anyone can understand.
Hey Rahul you take care kid, I know I’ll miss you a lot one day.
In Anything that Exists
Drive a splinter through my heart,
Deep, hurt me, make me beg to stop,
I shall never succumb to pain,
For what I feel keeps me strong.
Break open my heart,
Shatter it to pieces, stand tall,
I'll still show you the light,
Show your reflection in each piece.
Leave me, make me cry,
I'll settle the dust on your road,
With every drop of tear, that I cry,
But I wont ask you to stop.
Ask me, how much I love, why,
I won't have the answers,
For I know what I know,
My silence explains all.
Walk away, Tell me your are gone,
Subject me to the loneliness' songs
You'll hear me, calling your name,
In ever breath and every word I take.
I'm afraid
God be my guardian.
I Question Existence.
It is very rarely that we question our existence with respect. After sixteen years of me coming to my senses that I am human and realizing it, I run into someone who questions my very sense of existence.
I have to say a big thank you to GOD for you made that someone so that i could question.
I am not afraid of the choice I made, because I am aware that there is only one human being in this entire world who can make me realize how important my life is to me.
I lived for I need to love. I love now for I need to live. I know god you can take all I have and laugh over it and make me laugh too, but all my life the things you took away are the ones I gave up. This time I know you will try. I’ll give it back to you but not with a smile and with just one drop of tear. That one drop of tear shall be my gift to you.
I get hurt you take care of me, I cry you console me, I am lost you find me, I’m afraid you tell me in millions of ways you are there, but god am I really that bad that you put me through all that? Or is it that you love me so much, for we all hurt only the ones we love.
I won’t walk by your garden this time just because your ‘daisy’ doesn’t want to come along, for if I do walk past your garden this time I’ll never look at another flower my entire life, I swear. I leave it at your discretion what you choose to do with me. I know one thing for sure, if I make it through with just this one thing that I need to cross the bridge of life, I’ll never ask for anything.
This is not a wish, this is a request, for I know my request will be honored if I am worthy, for you always fulfill my every wish even if I’m not worthy of it.
This is my song that keeps lifts me above my obscure reality.
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PEARL JAM
Garden
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The direction of the eye
so misleading
the defection of the soul
nauseously quick
I don't question
our existence
I just question
our modern needs
I will walk...with my hands bound
I will walk...with my face blood
I will walk...with my shadow flag
into your garden
garden of stone
after all is done
we're still alone
I won't be taken
yet I'll go...
I will walk...with my hands bound
I will walk...with my face blood
I will walk...with my shadow flag
into your garden
garden of stone
I don't show...I don't share...I don't need
what you have to give...
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There are a few things that keep me sane besides loving and UT is definitely one of them.
The image below is from a level I made for Unreal Tournament 2000. My favouriate level.
Hey chechi now you are on second.
